Turning the Pages

Hi, friends. I haven’t written here for eleven months. What the what? Not since my dear friends moved, not since my oldest began kindergarten, not since I began learning and practicing calligraphy last August. More on that soon. :)

I’ve kinda chalked it up to having fun with Instagram and calligraphy and sharing short snippets of life rather than long blog posts. (People still blog, right?) I’ll be honest: it’s been easier, both to keep up with on my end, and read.

But now, sitting here, I think I’ve just taken a break to direct energies where they needed to be this year. Mostly, with my kidlets, who are growing fast. I read a great quote about being intentional with your time…”be generous with it, but guard it fiercely.” I’m always gonna be learning about balance.

I think I’m feeling like I can write here again because a new season is beginning. Isn’t that how it usually feels on the cusp of summer?  This month, it’s the changing of a big season: after coordinating MOPS for three years, I’m stepping out so two wonderful friends can step in who are gonna rock it. They already are, which is a huge blessing.

Maybe releasing this last three-year-long chapter, and being ready to find my next one, has just taken time for me to process. Or maybe my toddler is finally sleeping through the night. Yesss.

And oddly, in all of this turning over, writing has reared its mysterious head this week, after months of silence. Three different people have asked me about my writing life this week (when does this happen…?), and I found a new podcast for writers that is going to help fuel my current feelings about it, I hope. Hard to explain, but as I told Raul earlier today, my writing self is all tingly. I’m happy about that!

I don’t share journal entries often, but this one I scribbled on the pages of Hello Darling magazine last September, and it pertains to how I feel today. And Eli’s little hand is always on my stuff. (Don’t you love writing on magazine pages? Especially with a sharpie…thank goodness for the written word or I’d forget so much of my life. Much of my thankfulness!)

image

September 2015

“It is the beginning of the end of my time at MOPS as Coordinator, and I feel both ready and sad about it.  I love how God works because He flips things upside down and inside out and grabs your hand for a grand adventure and it is so worth it. I never knew how worth it it would be, looking at my 2013 self.

I had lost my mom, my footing–my foundation was steadying again from being blasted and I really didn’t know what I had to give, or how to lead, or how to be outward when I felt so broken and vulnerable. I shook with fear, inside and out. But I still felt called to coordinate and encourage others. I am so thankful for the gentle nudges from Nancy and others, but most of all, my Lord, who carried me and helped me learn, again, how to rely on Him. He also reiterated to me how toxic people pleasing truly is.

Coordinating taught me to see other women, wives, and moms, hurting, struggling, wanting connection, and to find joy in motherhood during the little years. Just like me. And by watching a loving team in action, and having a patient, kind mentor, I began to be more outward. I began to take note of how others loved me well, and imitated that behavior.  Hearts opened up, and so did mine.  I am not who I was. The Lord has always filled me with hope, but now I see that He wants to continue filling me up in my relationship with him. Hope, joy, and love. Constantly, He has refilled my cup and preciously, gently handed it back to me after I’ve thrown it in the corner, empty.”

In your waiting, in your struggling, in the changes you choose or that choose you, the good of the Lord is still there, lighting your way. Redeeming is His business. Nothing goes to waste.  Pages turn, so that new chapters can start. Writing starts again after silence, that wonderful, familiar click clack of keys. And toddlers begin sleeping all through the night.

:)

Recently :: August

Summer is coming to a close, and I haven’t written here in awhile. I actually have a few little projects to post about, but I can blame my phone for the lack of photos, and posts. Yup, even though I had butter fingers and dropped it, it decided to break. I know, right? I miss its camera the most! So while I dig out our ole digital camera, here’s a few musings…

In Pregnancy > I am 36 weeks preggo this week, and beginning to feel a bit crunched for time–I’m wishing the nesting instinct was stronger this time around. By the time I make sure our other two kidlets are thriving day in, day out, I make way for the nearest couch/chair/bed and chill, even as my list of Things to Do grows. I’ve packed my hospital bag, registered at the hospital, and will be looking for our birthing class book to review those classic breathing techniques (which actually were a lifesaver the last two times). This time, I’m opting for the good stuff–an epideryl–and am curious about how it will go. Changing things up after doing it one way both times before is a little…hmm…unsettling, I’ll be honest… but as soon as I imagine holding my son for the first time and seeing his little face, I feel much better about everything. So worth whatever comes our way on that day.

I’m starting to have that Christmas Eve feeling of excitement, wondering when he will come. In my motherly heart, I feel that he will be early :) but that could just be wishful thinking!

New Wheels >  I am officially a mini-van driving mama now, and I totally get what all the hype is about with how convenient they are… but I’m still missing my blue Subaru. It’s kinda funny to feel sentimental about a car, but it was a part of our family for the last 5 years: taking me to work everyday, transporting our crazy lab of a dog to the mountains, driving both of our babies home from the hospital, speeding in the snow at 2am when my dad called about Mom. I guess the good thing about letting Things go is that it brings back memories you haven’t thought of in awhile… and I like that, no matter how it makes you feel. That’s where their value has always been, anyway. 

Lately, when we’ve been driving, Natalie is noticing signs and traffic lights and talking about them constantly. Today she asked me what road we were driving on. “Santa Fe,” I said. “Ooooh, SANTA!” She said. “I know him.” She has that cute two-year-old little drunken elvish voice that slurs her words together, but you can still understand most of what she says…She says her “j” like you’d say the second g in “garage”… more of a “jsha” sound. I love it. Peanut butter and jsh-elly sounds so fancy.

Marriage > Raul and I went on our last ever babymoon in July, just us, and I’m so glad we did. Crested Butte is top notch for being one of the prettiest places in Colorado. If you’ve never been, you must go. What bliss, to finish a full thought, and even have time for a bunny trail or two! To not look at the kid’s menu first before deciding on a restaurant to eat at! {Slow motion twirling while gazing up at the sky} Unfortunately, we weren’t so good about taking pictures while there… Well, we mostly took pictures of wildflowers we’d like to incorporate to our front yard eventually, but that was about it. Practical. At the time, it didn’t bother me… I felt a bit Walter Mitty about it, you know, “These moments are just for us right now to remember, we don’t need photos” and such. I feel this way a lot, actually–saving images and moments internally rather than getting out my camera, or else writing about it later, just for me–but now I’m wishing we had taken some! 

While I’ve been writing this, Natalie has been steadily chatting to me, and I’ve been nodding. Time to give her some undivided attention before sister wakes up from a rare nap. :)  Hopefully more soon, with pictures included!

Two of us together

PicMonkey Collage

9 years of marriage is:

Heart-softening.

Laughter and shared humor that never gets old (and just gets better as the years go, really)

Saying goodbye to loved ones, hand in hand.

Beginning to notice grays and wrinkles appear, but still seeing our younger selves :)

Looking at our babies, amazed that they are ours.

Reminiscing of the “early days,” and beginning to feel some real distance from those times. Especially when we go to weddings now; it’s fun to remember our own beginning.

The comfort of familiarity.

Looking at each other in exhaustion for so many reasons, yet learning to press onward together in joy in Christ.

Discovering how we want to grow & deepen in our own ways, and together

And about our future, I say:

You know we could do better than anything that we did
You know that you and me, we could do anything

Love you, R! This one’s for you: